“Stop trying to be your own shelter…” — The Wandering
Do you ever sometimes go to bed, but the thoughts running in your mind can’t let you fall asleep? Well, that’s where my mind is right now. It’s a bit late and I have an early morning tomorrow, but I have so many thoughts going on in my head that I can’t seem to put my mind on silent mode until I process them out. So here I am typing away what’s been going through my mind since 11am this morning.
Earlier at work I took a break and decided to browse through one of my favorite blogs, The Wonder and Wandering, the blogger is a married woman in her late twenties who writes about her faith and shares her struggles and victories that God leads her through. I first came across this blog about a year ago on facebook. My friend Lindsey shared the link to a post about waiting on God’s timing for the right relationship. The post was about this woman’s journey to her significant other, and how she had to wait just as he did until the LORD brought them to one accord and opened the doors for them to enter into a relationship. That day I received peace and reaffirmation from God after reading her blog, and ever since I go through it every once in a while. And every time that I read her posts I receive peace, comfort, and encouragement through this blogger’s posts. So anyway, today as I was nearing the end of this blogger’s post about hope I came accross the quote posted above “stop trying to be your own shelter”. I re-read that phrase two to four times really slowly and then I started experiencing that familiar feeling where ever so slowly the wheels begin to turn and I was left with “God, am I being my own shelter?” Of course I set this thought aside and went on with my day, until now.
Tonight I met up with one of my sister’s in Christ and very best friend for dinner and coffee. After much laughter and rejoicing over those special victories with God we both experienced this last month and discussing our favorite tv shows, we said goodnight and parted ways. But as I was driving home this thought kept lingering on my mind “stop trying to be your own shelter”. So again I asked the question: “God, am I being my own shelter?”. The answer came as a gentle whisper: yes.
Like all things, I denied it for the first ten minutes but the more that I denied it, the more truth I found in this “yes”. You see a big portion of tonight’s chat was “getting into a relationship”. I shared with my friend tonight my true feelings on this and that is “I don’t want to be in a relationship”. And when I say these words, even as I type them I am filled with great fright.
“God, am I trying to be my own shelter?”
I have reached a point in my life where I am truly embracing and enjoying “single life”. Granted I have been single for many years now, but I hadn’t truly embraced it until now. All my life I dreamed and desired to have a family of my own, to be in a relationship, get married, have a family, and up until nine months ago that was still my dream. But now that all has changed. I now see the great opportunities and advantages that exist in being single, and I like them. My mobility and flexibility to relocate is much stronger when you are single. The possibility of traveling becomes a stronger reality by the sole fact that I am single and therefore have nothing tieing me down to one significant place. I have more time to establish, build, an nourish friendships because I am single. And the list goes on and on. I don’t want a relationship or anything close to it right now. If I am meant to be single for the rest of my life I am more than okay with this idea. And that’s where God stopped me “more than okay? Why? “. Simple, I don’t have to be vulnerable, I don’t have to risk getting hurt, I am comfortable. I am safe. (So here’s that point where I reached that “ohhhhhhhh” moment). “Safe. I am not safe. I don’t call you to safe. I will protect you but I am not safe. Where did you ever get the idea that I am safe? Look at Scripture, where do I ever show to be safe?” These were the thoughts I felt that if God and I were carrying a conversation face to face these would be the words he’d say to me followed by “Sarai, stop trying to be your own shelter. You don’t get to choose. I choose. Let me be your shelter. Let me protect you. Only I know what is best for you. You are afraid. You seek safety, because you are afraid of getting hurt, of being left behind, of being weak, of showing vulnerability. But if you don’t open yourself up to this how will you ever grow? How will you ever learn? How will you ever heal? Do these thoughts, your thoughts, align with My promises? Where is your hope?” And as I pondered these questions, I realized my hope (right this moment) is not on God. My hope is missing. Where did it go? I have no idea, but I must find it.
So this is where I am tonight dear reader. I am searching for hope. Where did it go? And when did it leave? Why am I so afraid?
So I am starting my search in the most obvious of places: God’s promises. What does Scripture say? And what promises has God personally shown me for my life? As I am finishing up this post I have already heard the first ones: Isaiah 55:8-9 and Psalm 139. Ironic, both of these verses have been cornerstones for many seasons of my life.
But that’s the beauty of life, we won’t ever have it figured out. Much of life demands revisiting, remembering, and re-learning the foundation of which we stand on. For me it’s my faith. Recalling verses that say “God’s thoughts and ways are higher than my own” reminds me to let Him be my shelter rather than myself because father knows best. Recalling Psalm 139 helps me to rest in His sovereignty for He knows all the days of my life and He will protect me. This psalm also reminds me this is the reason for my blogs, “fearfully and wonderfully made” and living out this truth.
I don’t have it all figured out..but that’s the beauty of it all. I never will, but God does. Every day is an adventure. Every day is a gift from God meant to be opened, received, and enjoyed to the fullest. So what if this is all about to change? What if a relationship is exactly what’s on the horizon? Well if that is the case, I must call it for what it is a “gift from God”. I encourage you to do the same. Whatever your situation, call it a “gift” and let God take you through this adventure.
Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you have a lovely day!
In His love